Monday, March 18, 2013

I Believe, Help My Unbelief

Long time since I've posted anything, so here is my feeble attempt at being all thoughtful and philosophical.

I was at daily Mass today. I was kneeling there and was thinking (instead of focusing on what was going on) during the consecration. I wasn't thinking of what I was going to do after, the things I needed at the store, what's for dinner, but something deeper; something that shook me to the very core of my being. But first, let me back track just a moment.

I was not intending on going to Mass due to a friend getting sick and would be able to meet me there. I was thinking, "Well if they aren't going, what's the point?" Since I was not in the state of grace and the Eucharist is the "source and summit" of the Catholic faith, I couldn't receive our Blessed Lord in the Eucharist anyway, so why sit there? (In the off chance you are not Catholic and reading this: Catholics who have committed a mortal sin, are not to take part in Communion.) I decided to go; if nothing else, for the reason that I was like two blocks away from the church.

Back to me kneeling at Mass.

I was staring at the Eucharist and thought, "Why is this so important? Why do I want so badly to go and receive Communion?" I started thinking, "If this is truly Jesus: Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. And Jesus isn't lying or was speaking metaphorically when He said that He is the Bread of Life. Then it makes sense that I am gravitating towards the Communion line."

BUT

"If it really is just a piece of bread, and just a symbol, then why, in the very core of my being, do I want to eat that piece of flat, tasteless bread?" I can, in my mind, think it is just bread, and my eyes see it as such. But it really doesn't explain why I am so compelled to get up and get in line for "a piece of bread".

So is it really "a piece of bread"? It can't be. It can't. It doesn't sate my physical hunger, so what good does it do me to eat it? I mean, I try to tell myself it is nothing but bread, but in my heart of hearts I know that it is something more... I can feel it in my bones. My soul yearns for it. It has to be Christ Himself, or else I would never feel this way. If Jesus is Who He says He is, then I know that my senses are liars. They tell me one thing, but my heart of hearts knows not what it is, but WHO it is:

It is Him, Whom my soul loves.


I believe Lord, help my unbelief!

St. Peter Julian Eymard, pray for us!